| moving delays, birthdays, other such nonsense... |
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| 10:33am 16/10/2008 |
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mood:  anxious
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so our moving date got pushed back until the 23rd of this month and we are currently scrambling to find a place to live in Portland.. most of the places we have found want us to be in portland before they rent to us... it scares me to move somewhere without a place to live already set up..
so i'm 28 now as of last friday at 3:56pm and i feel okay about it.. at least i'm finally taking risks and doing things.. i spent too much of my life being "so afraid to fail i hardly tried"..
i need to make some more calls and start re-packing things for the move... i hope all is well with everyone! |
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| comical. |
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| 09:41am 23/08/2008 |
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mood:  chipper
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christopher and i have decided we want to do a comic or a series of them... he's trying to encourage me to do the drawing and i must say i am nervous about that. neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed practice and lots of it.
new york is so beautiful in the summertime.. lightning bugs flickering, little frogs hopping about, and air i can actually breathe... the only thing i could do without is being bitten by every mosquito in the tri-state area but that's my fault because i haven't been taking my garlic tablets..
have any of you ever written a comic or mini comic? |
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| long time coming. |
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| 11:31am 09/07/2008 |
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mood:  dorky
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is anyone else going to comicon this year? we (christopher & i) have full passes(+preview night! woo!) and i am BEYOND excited to see Adrian Tomine and force him to sign more of my books and whatnot. Also, if anyone is NOT going to comicon but loves Adrian or some other artist that's going to be there.. and has things they would like signed please let me know! I'll most likely be waiting in line to have things of my own signed anyway...That's actually how i got some of my earlier Tomine stuff signed(a friend was kind enough to take my things to comicon and wait in line for me). Anyhow, not too much new to say really. It's bloody hot in this studio apartment and if it weren't for the off shore breeze my cat and i would most likely keel over. i'm looking for friends that want to go on bike rides.. i love riding by myself but it's even more enjoyable with good company y'know? Hope you are all well.. |
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| when it rains... well you get the idea. |
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| 05:52am 27/07/2007 |
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mood:  crushed music: none
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just when things were starting to look up i got a call last night from my cousin abel telling me they found my mom unconscious in her apartment after someone contacted my aunt worried because she hadn't called or showed up to work in two days. my mom was rushed by ambulance to orange coast memorial hospital and when i arrived my worst fears were confirmed. my mother tried to kill herself by taking an overdose of several prescribed medications. i've been spending most of my time at the hospital and i'm having the hardest time sleeping. my mom has had us all fooled into thinking she was doing okay when she clearly wasn't. hopefully she will get the help she needs now and will come to realize what a precious gift life really is. i'm hanging in there but i am having a really hard time accepting the fact that my mother has lost her will to live. this is the same person who used to get angry when she would hear of other people committing suicide and would say things like "that is the most selfish thing someone could do" and "don't they realize how much pain and suffering they are putting their loved ones through?!" as bad as things ever got or seemed to be in my life there are people who love me and i could not and would not put them through what we are going through. my mom is everything to me... my mother... my father(mine passed away when i was a small child)... and one of my best friends. i don't really know what else to say right now... so i guess i shall end it here and attempt to get a little sleep before heading back to the hospital.. |
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| i just heard... |
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| 06:04pm 22/07/2007 |
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mood:  sad
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may god take you into his loving arms tammy faye... you were/are a beacon of light and in my opinion.. example of loving acceptance and grace to christians everywhere. you will be missed. |
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| a new life |
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| 01:34am 21/07/2007 |
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mood:  determined music: harold budd/brian eno- "the pearl"
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greetings! last week or so i was cleaning house and came across this book called "the great american detox diet" by alex jamieson. rd mentioned it was written by a friend of his who was helping him learn better eating habits a couple years back when he was receiving interferon treatment. i then realized alex is the fiance/wife(not sure if they are married yet or not) of morgan spurlock(the guy that did the movie "super size me") and after he finished the film this is how she got him back to good health in just 8 short weeks. so i read it and i seriously couldn't have said it better myself. it was illuminating to say the least. this is the beginning of a beautiful new life free from toxic substances, guilt, and constantly feeling tired and ill. i already feel like a new person and it will only get better from here on out. i would recommend this to just about everyone i know. it's not just a diet or a detox plan... it's a life changing plan although i would go further and say it's a life saving plan. my mind, body, & spirit feel energized and awakened. i am able to meditate with a clearer mind. my thoughts aren't constantly bombarding my mind like before and it has become much easier to attain the no-mind state of being. i can hold my yoga postures longer with increased flexibility. the flame is ignited once again.. my magickal studies are back on track & my focus on the great work has never been better. the only regret i have is not making this change in my life sooner. |
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| please read me. |
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| 10:30pm 27/06/2007 |
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mood:  hopeful
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rd's buddy rick found a kitten last night... he can't keep him and unfortunately we can't either so i'm writing this to all of you in the hopes that someone can take him. he's absolutely adorable, approx 10wks old, jet black and in need of a loving home. we are kit-sitting him presently so when i snap some pictures i will post them. if you or anyone you know can take him post here or email me at theserpentinesimilar@gmail.com
thank you for reading. xoxoxo |
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| buying new mattress & i need input. |
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| 03:39pm 27/06/2007 |
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mood:  contemplative music: david bowie-"oh! you pretty things"
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ok so for father's day rd's mom offered to buy rd a new bed seeing as the one he has now bows in the middle like a hammock. ugh. i've been begging for a Tempur-Pedic and he's agreed it's probably the best choice. but as i sit here looking at the catalog i see they have different models and such... if anyone has one or knows which one would be the best to go with please please let me know! we're going out bed testing tonight(hopefully).. |
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| i could never in a million years have said it better... |
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| 12:57am 18/05/2005 |
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mood: reflective music: mew
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Intensity
"It is only through intensity that one arrives. When all your desires, when all your passions become one flame, it is intensity. When there is only one desire left inside you and your total being supports that one, it is intensity. It is exactly what the word says: in-tensity. The opposite word is ex-tensity. You are spread out, you have a thousand and one desires, many fragmentary desires - one going to the north, one going to the south. You are being pulled apart. You are not one, you are a crowd. And if you are a crowd you will be miserable. If you are a crowd you will never feel any fulfillment. You don´t have any center. Intensity means creating a center in yourself.
When all the arrows are coming towards the center, when all the fragments are joined together, integration arises. Becoming centered, concentrated inwards, that is the meaning of intensity. Sometimes you have known moments, in some danger when all your thought disappear, the crowd will become one. In that moment you will be one single individual, indivisible. You will be undivided, one unity. The death facing you has created the intensity. Or in love sometimes there is intensity. All else becomes irrelevant, peripheral. Only the love is all and the whole of your heart.
When such intensity arises in meditation, it brings you to the ultimate. You arrive home." -osho
everyone i have ever met has struck me in this sense. that word... "crowd"... even her. the her i never knew would be... was the... her. the her that would change everything i knew to everything i thought i knew... who would teach me the true meaning of every word or feeling i thought i knew so well.
and the last time i saw you... i have never felt more intensity than i did pulsing through my veins that night. honest engine. |
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| entropy. |
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| 04:18am 29/04/2005 |
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mood: contemplative music: Dmitri Shostakovich
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sometimes one is absent for so long
one forgets how to return.
whomever said that "life goes on"
forgot to mention the 4 month period of complete emotional paralysis.
you should have been here with d & i.. for you too could have a lightbulb tattoo... |
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| pencil me in. |
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| 02:01am 17/12/2004 |
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this was written for me by bryan. i of course immediately fell in love with it. the use of imagery still gives me chills when i read it. so i figured i'd share it with you all.
Saturn croons at dawn.
Twilight of the eyes, nocturnal
Words, surging forth on a voracious river
Lapping at the forgotten faces of petrified mountains
Words poured lovingly into the manacle lock of an inward oblivion
To the deep and rooted, absolved,
And washed, under the rain of gravity
Washed clean of the sterility, of painful indifference
and manic desolation,
humility falls to your feet, and gods, behind serpents, will snake,
Will coil, poised and venomous, and at your ankles, will pant
will proliferate like fruitless willows,
weeping as widows weep, with tears polluted of bereavement,
With all the quiet ferocity in the song of silence.
The sun is bursting with citrus!
On high, above the eternally blonde field!
Whilst the decorous feathered scythes do swing
Preening the gravid, rustling wisps of spring
And underground, the flint kept sharp and keen,
made ready for the shovels, with songs to sing
Anthems for the doe and its cloven struggle with the powdered snow
And eulogies that lyrically double over upon the harp
Upon wild, thirst-stricken, hearts
And young Prometheus spumes like a fountain
When he spews forth meteors from his
Cosmic, fragmented eyes,
And amidst carnations, will prepare for death
Untroubled carnations, opening like eruptions of harmonic serenity,
As vast as the soundlessness of supernovas, and with despair
so deeply profound, and as pitiful as
when the neutered bell does sway
Harvest month throbs under the fluorescent rings of Saturn
His throne of oysters,
His cumulous belt and crown of bees
Children, aimless but for their magnetic fascination,
Wander hither and thither, trudging legless through the molasses,
in the night, hypnotically, and barefooted, treading atop the internal hearth
Of the violet desert dune,
Fortune seekers seething, secret hiders seeking
Mystery and her painted canyons,
Feminine mystery with her veil of shapeless objects
And her sharp feline eye,
And her brash sword of walrus tusk
And her narrow gazelle that strolls gently through,
The immensity of the arches without key
And above all, comets with reigns of dust pull
the celestial night over the huddled utterances
The ruby red-ants that teem from the mouths of the scientists
and the alchemists, and the voodoo priestesses
That clip the wings of bewildered fish
Reveling, their succulent jealousies collapse with laughter,
And drawn, the many, by her light, these chatterboxes,
with ears that sprout only persimmons
will traverse your motherly land
Tailed with the incandescent ink of dusk
digesting their footprints beneath their tallest shadows
Dawn is brought now, in her apollonian chariot
To shape the silhouette in the silo,
that Saturn wildly craves in his bloated heart
That bloody, emotional sameness that haunts lustrous poets,
Wide warriors, and miserable kings,
feeding them into the foaming mouth of insanity
Where pyramids and pantheons strain to quell
the overwhelming hunger for the constellational fruit
And to regress to line the velvet womb where the twilight blooms,
Where, before your azure soul, it pools
Unseen, through the opacity of your window that
Is as solemn as the waning song of the sick,
syringed into the vacuous veins of death
Death bellowing like an infinite mule,
And death, echoing in the complex sweetness of desperation
That coats the internal walls of the impassioned soul
like a cathedral mural, spreading
with amoebic ecstasy
Let the gulls wash from whence, in refuge, they sought
The soothing moors,
Wailing grievances, upon the concrete shores spackled with termination
And in the heavy tasting fruits digesting the sun
That perch on the anchored trees, that, by their torsos, will bend
Will split like winter lips, will remain
Like futilely enduring servants, like an imprisoned well of water
Blossoming and shedding
And shedding and shedding
But still, boys will meet boys and dance till the embers are silent
and glacial
And shout to awaken ashen souls under decadent, half eaten moon
And still, girls will spin on tip-toe, will wear a fierce innocence
threaded through with the calm fragrance of naivety
While gathering nuptial florets to weave into their tresses
And laurels rain down, down into the conscience
Sliding down the waxen lily backs of petals and gathering in the lashes
Cementing them closed like a forgotten tomb,
or opened wide and wild like an anemone,
That gasps under saltine sounds
as it gathers and drowns under the fermenting honey of youth
The oceanic milk of clarity
Where the physical statue of dawn leaps and looms
Along my periphery
And over my mind
That is innocent with sleep
And thick with the leavening of dreams
Twilight of the eyes
The flux of arms that wrap the night with fibrous ropes of light
Where the gilded rhythm of the wind sounds
In the origin of cotton and gold
As the autumn tragedy whistles thoughtfully, for us
For the leaves that show us such a mournful exuberance
Dancing restlessly, with the swift eloquence of a swan
The final dance of dreary Saturn, who must dwell in the deep merlot of sleep
To the velvet womb where twilight will again bloom
Dreaming of your filamentary radiant hair
and your flint tongue that ignites the morning
Tearing through the nocturnal dim with the wind
that yaws like a mare over anxious shrubs
along the swaggering walls
that swathe through pulsating and peopled cities
Like vertebrae, like great spatial trains
And call me youth, name and face,
And I will be youth, with swift, neurotic blade
That houses the vitality of a fledgling phoenix
Reducing the rolling hills of moss to fertile flats
Striking at the atmospheric blue of the sky,
A sky nourished of every secret sea,
Every contemplative lake,
And ever temporal tear
And where the vibrant birds snatch the tongues of mariners
That are born to bathe in these voracious rivers
That cannot be subdued, that cannot be calmed
That cannot be cleansed of the afterbirth of humanity
Eras of prosperity will toll
after the hydrogen novas chime silently rolls,
To awaken sleepless winter
from its cold and lunar palace
Where you lie in wait for me as a satellite
And will remain surveying
All rivers meandering, all serpents hissing
All willows dusting the sky, all children expanding
All carnations fragrant, all bells raucous
All of Saturn’s moons, burning intensely through the
Sullen ashes of the promethean fire,
Calmly gleaming beneath your brow.
oh and another reminder the party is saturday, school is out the fuck, and well i gave up sleep. you can sleep when you're dead. |
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| winter wonderland |
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| 02:53pm 07/12/2004 |
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mood:  grateful music: two gallants- the throes
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i haven't been around much i know. but lots of things have happened. i got chomp chomped by a poisonous spider most recently. it made me look like a cross between sloth from goonies and myself the first time i broke my nose. luckily i didn't wait an extra day to go to the doctor because apparently it was very bad and i "wouldn't have made it through the weekend" he claims. blood poisoning! tight! but of course i'm ok because i always am. but i would really appreciate it if the freak accidents would cease... or at least give me 6 months off for good behavior?
this is the perfect end to the most imperfect year. but a year that has taught me so many things. i could go into them all but i know what they are... and if you know me i know you probably do too. i have a lot of card writing to get back to... i can't wait to put up the tree and decorate it with my honorary brother abel(i'm just going to start calling him my brother because we're so close we might as well be)
if i don't have your address make sure you give it to me. also we're having a holiday party on the 18th of december. it's going to be a bbq/dinner/cocktail/dessert party. it will also be abel's make-up birthday since his actual 21st was crashed by the nutty evil step aunt from hell. now that she's banned we can have a proper party for him. so please come my darlings it will be wonderful to see every single one of you... mark your calendars! there will be fun games... films... et cetera. |
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| i know it's only a car... |
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| 05:47pm 25/10/2004 |
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mood: contemplative
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i didn't think it would be that hard cleaning 6 years of my life out of a car that took me all over the country. i just guess i never thought that day would come... and if it did it was because i just wanted a newer car. i was forced by someone(i have a strange idea who) to let go of it. but not just that... to let go of the last 6 years of my life. it's been a pure rollercoaster ride but i've also experienced more in those years that has shaped who i am today. who knows what the next 6 will do? heck maybe i'll be living somewhere in the south of france with a large number of animals and not a man in sight. i could write, paint, bake, take care of all the critters and be at peace. it's difficult for me to find peace with most human contact. close friends are a bit different of course... although i still find myself retreating to my rock(then pulling it over my head)when things get a bit too dramatic and tense for my liking. as well as i think too much and i guess i just need isolation to do that. and you all seem to understand that and i appreciate it.
i'm at the crossroads. literally. i'm weighing my options and looking at the world in a different light than i have in the past. i feel once again as if i need to leave this place. i just don't feel at ease in this social, economic, and political climate. i wake up feeling heavy in the shoulders every morning and it's getting to the point where i don't mind if i don't wake to see the morning light. i'm not depressed... that's not it. not with myself at least.. just with the world around me. i see the beauty of course but it's often buried under mounds of everything else. my shovel is giving me trouble and my back is hurting from all this digging.
i have a feeling something is ahead though. strange to say but my soul keeps tugging on the fibers of my existence. i feel this excitement and nervousness creeping up through my tissues. for it's nothing i have experienced before.. |
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| religion & rootbeer floats |
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| 05:21am 19/10/2004 |
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mood:  peaceful music: rachel's
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i must say i had the most wonderful conversation tonight i've had in a long while. two and a half hours whizzed by without one glance at the clock. and i think i did enough giggling for about 50 school girls. thankfully you didn't mind.
in fact i feel so lovely i'm going to put on "music for egon schiele" and drift softly into dreamland. also tomorrow i get to see my nat whom i've missed so very much.
i was going to write more but the yawn is hitting me upside my noggin. yes, i said noggin. |
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| yesterday would have been a good day to die. apparently. |
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| 06:54am 14/10/2004 |
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imagine you're on one of the steepest hills in glassell park and your brakes fail. mind you it's 2:30pm and kids are getting out of school and running around all over the place...
with every second you pick up more momentum. i couldn't get the emergency brake to work either.
so i decided to turn the wheel over as far as i could and drive my car into a block wall and run over a fire hydrant. i just couldn't take the chance of hitting any of those children. i'd rather off myself before i take a child's life.
and if i never hear "is this your car? god, well you're lucky to be alive" ever again it will be too soon.
oh yeah, and now i have no car.
sweet.
school is going to be so much more fun now. ugh. |
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| what i really meant to say was... |
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| 11:45pm 12/10/2004 |
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mood:  pensive
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dear mom,
please don't look down on me because i can't be what you want me to. i know i'll probably spend the rest of my life disappointing you though. and this surgery thing... you have to live because well you know despite what you say that you have much left to do here. and you do love being alive otherwise you wouldn't. and yes, i do love you. i do not aim to please you anymore though for the time has come... where i need to not be an extension of you... but be the extension of me i have yet to see..
d.
i awoke in tears this morning and i couldn't control it. it's been a while since i've cried.
everything is so overwhelming. i know i'll get through it but it feels as if my skin is getting thinner. worn down, weathered, and tattered. not that things ever really bounced off of it to begin with.
i often feel that some of us just weren't made for this world.
and yet the sunlight still spills in every morning. |
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| pardon me but |
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| 11:37pm 12/10/2004 |
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i'm so lost.
and alli the 20s are the worst years of our lives.
amen. |
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| it's been too long... |
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| 09:22pm 08/10/2004 |
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mood:  ecstatic music: eddie izzard "dress to kill" & dirk snoring
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but i've been so busy, caught up, et cetera...
i spent last weekend in san francisco for the "love parade" that travels around the world... weekend wrap-up follows...
-food poisoning
+love parade insanity
+tommy's joint with jara
+meeting interesting, intelligent, and friendly san francisco natives
+the broadway manor hotel
+walking to work with jara to the hemlock tavern, drinking newcastle, and laughing the night away with complete strangers?! never in southern california...
+smoking ganja completely out in the open at said bar
+exploring on my own while my friends went on their own adventures
+going to twin peaks
-the gnocchi i ordered at the stinking rose that i never got to eat because i was too busy tossing my cookies
+mikey, corey, & peter taking care of me while i was sick
-freezing my arse off in the hotel room
+sleeping in because grandpa isn't waking me at 4am
+alli calling me while i was almost at the top of twin peaks to tell me she got me a ticket to see morrissey on halloween. only $25!
++getting a call from dirk to tell me that he would be here on friday @ 3pm(actually this afternoon)at LAX from philly.
+listening to mystic roots on the 5 on the way home... looking over and seeing their van with the name on it and everything. corey grabs her cd out of the player and holds it out the window. i've never seen such huge smiles.
-the tofu scramble at squat & gobble. it was more of a thai tofu soup with spinach. i simply wasn't prepared.
+ -smoking more weed than cypress hill last weekend
midterms are coming very soon. it must be my belated birthday present from the gods of education. oh and i'll be 24 on sunday. birthday weekend is going to be so lovely.
and someone is snoring loudly so i think i'm going to go tickle him until he wakes up. love all of you! |
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| 11:30am 07/09/2004 |
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mood:  drained
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why am i writing in my livejournal when i have an oceanography lab to do? because i'm damn tired of reading and doing assignments.
keep mom in your thoughts... she has to have major surgery soon. luckily the doctor she works for is assisting on the surgery. i trust him. and if he slips up i'll just have to gut him entirely.
that's just how much i love my mom. despite our... shall we say... grave differences. ;)
oh. and the pharmaceutical industry is only good for those few fun recreational drugs and even then i'd give those up for it to be gone entirely. when was the last time anything was cured?! |
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dawn_michele's journal